Read newspaper and you learn something. These few days I read a lot of newspaper so I learned a lot of things. And I think I’ve learn so much so that I am well equipped to give a lecture. And here I go:
Good day everyone. Today I would like to present a lecture on leadership, and to be precise, a lecture on how to become a visionary, respectable, great leader of all time. This “Seven Habits of Highly Effective Leader” course is suitable for people of all ages, but upcoming leaders would benefit most from taking up this course. “Upcoming leaders” here takes the meaning of someone who currently is in a deputized role and is fully aware of himself being next in line for the top position which is about to vacant soon. For budding leaders, no worries, you could still read on, just imagine yourself as your deputy boss!
Habit 1 – Be rich
Everything on earth could be bought today (don’t argue with me you can’t buy love, give me 1 million dollars and I will show you how to). So, be very rich. I don’t care how you earn your money, just earn them. With money, you can buy your upcoming leadership position even if something goes wrong.
Habit 2 – Be ruthless
Yes, you read me right, if you feel guilty for killing an ant, you might as well quit your job now. To become a great leader of all time, you should not feel guilty for being ruthless; and the key to the lesson is – eliminate anyone who is blocking your path to your greatness (You must not feel guilty even if you “kill” someone mistakenly e.g. your no. 108 mistress). But, there is a big “but” here, be sure to publicize your “killings”. Let the world knows it, but, another “but” here, DO NOT ADMIT it. Say you don’t know him/her. Blame it on someone else. Point your finger to your best buddy. Let him/her take the responsibilities. But be sure to compensate him. And of course, if need be, rescue him from prosecution!
Habit 3 – Ignore your followers
You know clearly your followers are what made you at your position where you are today (of course who your dad is is important as well). But you shouldn’t really care about them that much in private. Just remember to portray an image in front of the public that you truly cares about them. And when you are planning your strategies, you shouldn’t put them into the equation. Just do whatever that benefits you most. And when you start losing your followers’ support (where your followers are angry and start supporting your opposition), open a few more cheque books and empty them (That is why habit 1 is the first habit you need to practice). That will do the trick.
Habit 4 – Exerts your influence
This should be straight forward. You know you are the upcoming leader, so you must show you have the power, let everyone know who is in charge. Key to the lesson is, identify the most important project in hand, takes up the project and try to execute it to perfection (of your taste will do, remember habit 3). Sometimes your first project might fail miserably (maybe you open a few cheque books less) and your opposition might prevail. At this stage, one thing is very important – get angry. Be very angry. Tell your die-hard followers you are furious and disappointed over the failure, then grab the next project and execute it ruthlessly this time. You know you must score this project and make sure it really works (open more cheque books!) no matter how!
Habit 5 – Kiss your BOD’s ass
BOD = Board of Directors. Yes, they are important. Even your current leader bows to them. Lick them. Kiss them. Open a few more cheque books. Make some false promises. Make sure they are on your side. You know they still have a say on certain things. You know they would be important in your next project. They might have the final say. Remember, the BOD can fire your current boss. Buy over your COO, CFO, CKO, CLO, CPO, CZO and make them stand on your side. Some of them won’t cross over no matter how much you offer? No worries, a few will do. Some of them want to stay independent? No worries, let BOD knows they are “friendly” to you. Get them into the board room and ask them to voice their “friendliness”. I’m sure your BOD will “understand” and grant you your wish!
Habit 6 – Security! Security!
Befriend the security guards. They are strong and powerful. They can stop intruders and they can chase out someone you don’t like for you (e.g. they can chase your boss out of his office when you think his time is up). Make sure you have their support. They will be useful when your followers are angry. When they start making a human-wall to block you from entering the board room, you know very well that the guards will do the job for you. Although you might be late to the board room, but you know eventually you will be there. And most importantly, your project is executed perfectly!
Habit 7 – Be short-sighted
Everyone tells you your position is up for grab few years later, and you shouldn’t anger your followers too much. But who cares? Remember habit no. 1?
Disclaimer – Nah! I’m just bull-pooping. I would’ve been your boss now if I really know the true seven habits!
